Continuing from Chapters 1–2 covered in Expertise Done Right, let’s go into part one of Big Asian Energy.
Table of Contents
Chapter Thoughts: Breakdown of chapter on what content was covered and some of my thoughts + favorite quotes.
Overall Thoughts on the Section: What I like, didn’t like & changes in perspective that this book provided.
Additional Book Quotes: standout statements.
Chapter Thoughts
3) Taming the Achievement Monster
Unapologetically himself. That’s what John Wang portrays as we dive into the first of the seven archetypes, The Achiever. The continuation of personal experiences with research-based studies is consistent with the previous chapters. What makes this chapter stand out is the inclusion of John’s struggles with the archetype by opening up about his own fears:
“I stuttered and said, ‘I…judge myself for being a failure.’” — pg. 70
The vulnerability provides a new sense of acceptance for the reader to pursue their endeavors without fear:
“I think this is why so many people leave their dreams in the cupboard. It’s easier to keep rewriting your manuscript than to show it to anyone, because then it still has the potential to perfection.” – pg. 65
In my reflections, this chapter was an inflection point of acceptance. A few years after a six-month backpacking trip, I was telling many people about moving to New York City by April of this year. Long story short, it didn’t come to fruition due to a change of priorities, but the perfectionism of always standing by your words made me fearful of fully addressing it. I was ashamed.
Opening up about this provides a new sense of relief. That is the power of books in their own right to dive deeper into the core of our being, especially with John’s book.
In the last quote shared above, John speaks about rewriting the manuscript without sharing it. This is another struggle of mine where I’m now on my second iteration of the manuscript. Perhaps there are some tie-ins to this substack, where this isn’t only a book review spot, but a platform to translate the wealth of knowledge into action in my endeavor. Then this may provide you with that space too! Easier said than done, but I promise I will do my best to continue showing up.
From the Achiever’s internal struggles, let’s zoom out into the shaping forces of our upbringing.
4) Breaking Free From “Not Good Enough”
Dissecting parenting styles with safety and acceptance: John dives into the roots of common phrases such as “tiger parents” and “comparisonitis” to provide a holistic view on the psychological landscape of parenting, especially with those in Asian households.
“When we’re only measuring our progress by other people’s accomplishments, we’re always running someone else’s race without any idea of their destination or the costs they were willing to pay.” – pg. 81
Although enriched with information and case studies, I am sensing a bias towards East Asian cultures rather than all of Asia, with Indian, Filipino, and Kazakh cultures having minimal inclusion at this point. Nevertheless, the breakdown of parenting with three scopes provided a zoomed-out point of view. The three viewpoints are:
Jellyfish parenting: permissive parents (loose guidelines + act as friend)
Tiger parenting: authoritarian parenting (high expectations + conditional love)
Dolphin parenting: authoritative parenting (high expectations + warm & flexible)
Focusing more on these race-independent terms led to a great analysis and a clear aim as “Dolphin parents are often seen as the ideal parenting type by most parenting experts across different cultures, as they typically raise children who are socially confident, responsible, emotionally intelligent, and self-motivated.” – pg. 86.
Who wouldn’t want to be more confident, responsible, and emotionally intelligent?
The shift moves into intrinsic value and owning up more of your own life story, away from the collective view harped on in Asian culture, and instead invites a freeing atmosphere of a hybrid solution combining individualism and collectivism.
What would you call this? According to Google, it is integrated individualism and it is warmly welcomed considering the following:
“The essence is that you do not get to own yourself, because in Asian collectivist cultures, we are an extension of our families and thus not responsible only for our own lives – meaning we will always carry guilt for not meeting those roles and standards.” – pg. 92
Considering there’s not a one-word description, it’s unknown territory. How exciting! The newfound land is one where past beliefs can mature further into a place of thoughtfulness and confidence.
5) Setting Yourself On Fire to Keep Others Warm
Building upon the concept of integrated individualism, John discusses how collectivist culture has impacted immigrants. It is anything but a surface-level analysis, where it goes from the immigrant experience of community down to the archetypes of The Fixer, Commander, and Achiever:
“In a collectivist culture, families rely on a network of people they know. And suddenly, in a new environment, all they have is themselves. This means the load of the extended community is put onto the kids’ shoulders.” — pg. 128
The lens opens up concepts of burnout and people-pleasing. The examples of Everything Everywhere All at Once + X-Men made it all the better to visualize.
One of my main takeaways was saying no and why:
“When the act of giving is coming from a place of burden, it creates all sorts of problems.” – pg. 118
“We should be as comfortable with our nos as we are with our yeses, because every no we say to someone else is a yes we are saying to ourselves.” – pg. 122
Tying in to the self not only allows us to take care of ourselves better, but also comes from a more inviting and warm place for creating rich experiences with others.
“By reclaiming your time and energy to focus on growing what you’re really good at, you can make a much bigger impact in the lives around you. By not honoring your own boundaries, you’re depriving people of building real relationships with the real you.” – pg. 117
Overall, it’s the chapter for tracing back why Asian Diaspora individuals grew up the way we do & what we can do about it like expressing our authentic selves.
6) Hiding Your Real Self
Ending off this section is one of my favorite chapters. It includes clear exercises for setting yourself up to address those with the Charmer and Chameleon archetypes:
“The Charmer tries to be what they think people want them to be funny, positive, and charismatic at all times, putting on a social performance for acceptance. On the other side, the Chameleon does the same thing but doesn’t seek to be in the spotlight, and instead will adapt to any context they’re in to be less noticeable.” – pg. 153
What is the problem with being a Charmer or Chameleon? Aren’t they great at adjusting to different environments? Yes, and that’s where we aren’t able to show our true selves and act authentically, independent of what’s happening around us. John summarizes it well for why this is so important:
“What we distrust are those who are shapeless, who will take any shape to fit in. Because we don’t know who they really are.” – pg. 163
Addressing this issue involves an introduction to the depths of respect and taking up space. So how do we stop hiding?
Practice. Two exercises to try:
Clarify our moral values: write down what values you both agree and don’t agree with.
Do a rockstar walk: walk confidently in a straight line without yielding your path.
I did exercise 1 a few years ago & putting what I didn’t like made it much clearer as to what I wanted. The rockstar walk is one I am pretty interested in trying out in the near future.
What I find best about this chapter is how it’s a guidebook for bringing the intrinsic, aka our individualistic selves, at the forefront of decision making. In the integrated individualistic view, this is something that I’ve struggled with due to collectivist dominance; however, these exercises and practices are just what I needed!
Overall Thoughts on the Section
✅ What I liked
Root cause analysis on why Asian Diaspora individuals have these tendencies
Exercises are spread throughout
Abundance of content to choose what speaks most to you.
🤔 What I didn’t like
Assumed Eastern Asian bias from stories
A lot of concepts fit into one chapter
💡 Why this book changes my perspective & changes I’ll make:
Taking up more space through individual preference over only collectivist view.
Increased self-care to increase giving from a place of abundance.
Incorporating an integrated individualistic viewpoint further in my relationships.
And maybe that’s the point of this section: opening up. Opening up to new frameworks and ideas without abandoning one’s roots. One chapter at a time, this book helps peel back the layers so we can step forward more freely. Up next, we’ll be taking a look at Part Two: Big Asian Communication.
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Additional Book Quotes
3) Taming the Achievement Monster
“When compared to every other racial group, [the University of Texas at Austin] found that Asian American students experienced the highest rates of imposter syndrome, despite also having higher academic performance.” – pg. 57
“We carry these competence rules everywhere we go, and left unchecked, they only lead us to live a life of inaction and regret.” – pg. 63
“The anxiety of setting the bar so high that you need to do it perfectly on the first go is overwhelming, because we translate doing something imperfectly as being an imperfect person.” – pg. 64
“I think this is why so many people leave their dreams in the cupboard. It’s easier to keep rewriting your manuscript than to show it to anyone, because then it still has the potential to perfection.” – pg. 65
“When we start to realize what we do is not who we are, that’s when we can stop living in the potential of impotent perfection and in the reality of our greatness.” – pg. 67
“The benefits of play include the essential development of our problem-solving skills, adaptability, intelligence, social skills, and creativity. These benefits specifically come from free play, which has no specific outcome goal and puts us into a state of flow. Yet, for many of us, we’ve been taught since an early age that play is frivolous or unnecessary.” – pg. 71
“But as we talked, it became clear that while Tim’s parents allowed him to ‘pursue his passions,
They had no problem yelling at him whenever it didn’t match their idea of how that path looked.” – pg. 73
4) Breaking Free from “Not Good Enough”
“The more we’re stuck in comparisonitis, the worse we feel about ourselves, creating an endless loop. We all experience comparisonitis, no matter our background, and most of the time the culprit is identified through social media. A study about the impact of social media on self-esteem revealed that 90 percent of people who use it find themselves comparing themselves with others.” – pg. 79
“Sure, there’s a desire to look good in front of your peers when your child is succeeding in the world, and financial success is a fairly universal desire, but success also carries a different meaning for Asian immigrants because it represents safety and honor.” – pg. 82
“Social status means acceptance.” – pg. 82
“If someone was raised with the lessons that ‘to scold is to love’ or that ‘children are meant to be seen, not heard,’ and never had a problem with it, they’ll likely teach that same lesson to their own children.” – pg. 85
“Ultimately, your value can be determined only by you.” – pg. 89
“The results of the experiment were groundbreaking as it went against all previous expectations and beliefs; it shows that extrinsic motivation – the carrot and the stick–actually ends up diminishing motivation in the long run.” – pg. 91
“There’s always room for improvement, there’s always room for growth. But that also means there’s no room for the acknowledgment of how hard you’ve tried and how far you’ve already come.” – pg. 93
“But your leadership style is never going to look like your coworker’s style, nor should it, because then you’d be depriving others of what you’re bringing to the table.” – pg. 101
“Look around at everything you currently own. All of those things used to be money, and all that money used to be time.” – pg. 110
5) Setting Yourself On Fire to Keep Others Warm
“Think of it this way. By doing everything for him, you’re actually harming him and removing his ability to learn and explore for himself. He’ll never get a chance to make mistakes and learn from them. By mothering him, you’re smothering him.” – pg. 114
“Your needs are as important as the needs of the people around you, and your desires are as important as the desires of others.” – pg. 120
6) Hiding Your Real Self
“But more important, I thought I was so focused on protecting other people’s feelings that I never realized the feelings I was most keen on protecting were my own.” – pg. 146
“What we respect is not someone who is loud or dominating. What we respect is someone who stands their ground.” – pg. 156
“The thing we most admire in others are often the things we most admire about ourselves, and the things we most judge about others are the things we judge about ourselves.” – pg. 167
“Punctuality is a measure of respect. If you had a meeting with your favorite celebrity tomorrow, would you risk running into traffic or would you show up early? People respect you more when you respect your own time.” – pg. 171
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